The ‘5 Second Rule’ Updated For Shelter-at-Home

I’m not going to even entertain the idea that you animals *aren’t* eating the food you drop on the floor these days…regardless of how long it’s been down there. For one, we’re all stuck at home with mostly no one to judge us but our pets and secondly, snacks are all we have to cling to right now. They are our king and deserve our respect. What that obviously means is that we need an updated definition of what the 5 Second Rule means. Here are my suggestions:

How long you should attempt an online workout class before giving up.

“I gave it the 5 Second Rule and realized I’d rather attempt baking bread from scratch.”

The amount of time your partner has allocated for you to use the bathroom while Tiger King is paused.

Them: Hurry, babe! You: Hey, 5 Second Rule!!

The expected lag time when you try and say something to the 17 friends you have on your happy hour Zoom.

“Okay, everyone, make sure to remember the 5 Second Rule when you chime in!”

How often you should check Twitter.

“I should stop reading panic-news-tweets but on account of the 5 Second Rule, I’m well within my rights.”

How much time has to pass while you’re in the same room with your husband before you’re allowed to snap.

G*dammit Greg, I hate the way you breathe. Hey don’t look at me like that— 5 Second Rule!”

The max time you should spend getting ready in the morning now that not a soul sees you.

“You think I’m gonna brush my teeth AND brush my hair today? 5 Second Rule, brah. Ever HEARD OF IT?”

How often a celebrity or influencer will open an Instagram Live with, “How’s everyone holding up?!” from their mansion.

The 5 Second Rule is happening all day every day now.

How long you should wash your hands times four.

“Little Timmy, did you wash your hands 5 Second Rule Xs 4? What aren’t you GETTING ABOUT THIS?!”

The amount of time to wait before texting your crush back.

“I know I should play it cool but this sure feels like the end of the world so as they say: 5 Second Rule!”

Now pick that Pringle off of the floor and get back to work, err, Instagram.

Image source: Saskia E. on Skillshare

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Comedy writer, Creative Agency CoFounder, Copywriter, national treasure.

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Lyndsay Rush

Lyndsay Rush

Comedy writer, Creative Agency CoFounder, Copywriter, national treasure.

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