Real Housewives Slogans For The Condiments That Have Been In My Fridge Since 2013

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Soy Sauce

I’m not here to make friends, I’m here to make stir fry.

A 28oz Sriracha

If you cant take the heat, well honey, the kitchen’s closed.

Near-Empty Mustard

I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth. Literally.

Worcestershire Sauce

Some say I’m overpowering. They’re not wrong.

A Salad Dressing I Hate

I’m a great dresser and I don’t mind being tossed around.

Cornichons

I may be small, but make no mistake: I’m a big dill.

BBQ Sauce With Crusted-Over Lid

I like being on top….of the world and pulled pork sandwiches.

Tartar Sauce

I’m always up for a caper.

(1) Newman’s Own Ranch Sleeve

What can I say? I’m a to-go getter.

Vegan Mayonnaise

I’m not an animal, but I party like one.

Horseradish

You can’t lead a horse to water, but you can lead her to rosé.

Pepperoncinis

I keep my friends close and my enemies in the pantry.

Novelty-Size Ketchup

You can catch up with me but you’ll never keep up with me.

Comedy writer, Creative Agency CoFounder, Copywriter, national treasure.

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