Football Penalties To Call On People Who Still Aren’t Taking The Coronavirus Seriously

Image by Keith Johnston from Pixabay

While most of us have been dutifully participating in, ahem, intentional grounding, it’s impossible to ignore how many folks are behaving as though the coronavirus isn’t gaining yardage every day. Team players? Methinks not. And since scientific facts, catchy metaphors, and appeals to kindness haven’t worked, the obvious next step to get through to people is to become a COVID-19 referee and hand out football penalties. All you need are some yellow flags, a hefty dose of outrage, and a base-level understanding of American Football.

Too Many Men On The Field

This penalty occurs when you can tell from Instagram Stories that a group of more than ten people are hanging out *indoors* without masks. And yes, the yellow flag emoji DM will wake them up.

Encroachment

I threw down 5 yellow flags in a Trader Joe’s yesterday whenever a patron got within 6 feet of me. They seemed confused, but deep down I know that it was an important wake up call for the entire store.

Facemask

In football this is when a player grabs their opponent’s facemask, but according to my rules, you can call this penalty on virtually anyone you see who is wearing their mask below their goddamn nose. IS THIS A *GAME* TO EVERYONE????

Holding

When a friend instinctively tries to greet you with a hug even though this pandemic has been waging on for over 9 months?!! Penalty time. They will be apologetic but you must enforce the 5 yard penalty.

Illegal Formation

SORRY WE CRASHED YOUR INDOOR WEDDING TO THROW YELLOW FLAGS AROUND BUT COME ON GUYS, SERIOUSLY???? WAIT STOP IT, WE ARE NOT TRYING TO START A DANCE PARTY. GOD, EVERYONE BACK AWAY!!

Unnecessary Roughness

If you ever see someone being rude to staff members who are working right now out of necessity and in the face of astronomical, unfair challenges and risks, simply grab a human-sized yellow flag, wrap it around the offender and roll them right out of the building.

Personal Foul

This is when someone you respect does something COVID-questionable and it disappoints you to your core. Instead of handing out the penalty, just sleep with a yellow flag under your pillow that night and ponder if you can ever truly know anyone.

Listen, if you want to stay on the sidelines and continue to send your relatives factual articles, or fire off rage tweets, be my guest. I’ll be out in the field, yellow flags in hand, trying to tackle this offensive behavior so that we can put an end to the recent (hut hut) spike in cases. *blows whistle*

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Comedy writer, Creative Agency CoFounder, Copywriter, national treasure.

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Lyndsay Rush

Lyndsay Rush

Comedy writer, Creative Agency CoFounder, Copywriter, national treasure.

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